In the beginning.....

Last night I simply could not sleep. It was just one thing after another plaguing my sleep. And that was upsetting because I love to sleep. I sleep to dream. "To sleep, perchance to dream" as Hamlet says. Ecclesiastes 5:12 states "The sleep of the working man is pleasant, whether he eats little or much; but the full stomach of the rich man does not allow him to sleep." I am by no means a rich (wo)man in the typical sense in of the word, but I am rich in the fact that I am growing in my relationship with God.
Like any good Southern girl living in the Bible Belt of America, I grew up going to church. It was not my parents that took me, however, it was my aunt. My mom was more likely sleeping in and my dad out hunting, whether it be hunting for deer or hunting for deals at a flea market. So I grew up as what I like to call a "dabbler". I think I have been to as many diffent kind of churches as possible: Pentecosal, Pentecostal Holiness, Holiness, Baptist, Catholic, Episcopalian, just plain Christian. Always trying to find my place, I never quite felt like I did find it. Sometimes I wasn't trying hard enough, some times I was trying too hard. And then there was my education to deal with. When I took Humanities, I wanted to know as much as possible about the other religions of the world. Other religions that had so many believers of a different sort. How could Buddhism, Hinduism, Muslim, Judaism, Toaism, and all the others be wrong? And then there was my ever-present struggle with Jesus Christ, the man and the myth.
My relationship with Jesus has always been.....troubled, I guess would be the easiest way to put it. God I have never been unsure of. How can you look around you and not believe in God? The trees, the birds, the grass, the sun, everything sings of his exsistence. But Jesus? Where's the proof? That's all I have ever been able to ask myself. WHERE'S THE PROOF? Try as I might to justify any thoughts I could have about Jesus, in the back of my mind I was always screaming "Where's the proof?" Until I discovered that it wasn't about proof, it's about faith.
Having faith in something means that you don't need proof. It's about trust. And that's something that I have always neglected to know the importance of. I always used to say that my two biggest attributes to look for in a person were honesty and loyalty. Maybe that was because I recognized that honesty was the one attribute I needed to work on. I have struggled with honesty, sometimes being honest to a fault, sometimes lying my tuckas off. I am, however, am extremely loyal. I would lay down my life for someone that I truly loved. In fact, it's this attribute that has gotten me into such serious trouble. If I am willing to give someone my all, then I expect to get their all in return. But what I failed to recognize is that sometimes it is just too much to ask that of someone. After all, all the people that I know are merely human. What I have failed to realize is that I have been searching for the relationship that I should have been seeking with God, my Creator, with some one who is earthly, merely a creation.
My struggle began very early in life, with the loss of my father and then my mother. How could a just and fair God take them away from me when I needed them so much? And then I felt alone, lost, with out guidance, as the people my mother had entrusted me with took advantage of my young age and took everything that my parents had left me. Still, I tried to do what my parents had wanted me to achieve. I went to college, where I majored in theatre, which is really nothing more than the art of lying. People were always praising me, telling me how strong I was for going through such tragic circumstances and still keeping on. What choice did I have? I couldn't bury myself in the ground with my parents. I had to keep on living. But the truth of the matter was I was just as dead as they were, I just didn't know it yet.
It wasn't until I was raped that God truly began His work on me. I was so angry at the guy who raped me that I didn't know what to do. I was scared and I had never felt as alone as I did in that moment. Then I found out that I was preganant as a result of the rape. As odd as it may seem, I didn't feel alone anymore. I felt as though I was waking up after a long sleep. Suddenly I had something to live for! My child, my dream of all dreams, despite how she was concieved. She was my one precious ray of light in the darkness that had become my life. I had already picked out her name, Genesis Dawn, "beginning new". I was planning on raising her with my gay best friend and I was very excited. Until I had the miscarriage, followed very closely by the dismissal of my charges against my rapist. It felt as though God had betrayed me once again. And the very worst parts of me came unglued and unleashed. I began lying about everything, trying make everyone think that I was much better off than I really was. I was ashamed of myself. I didn't want anyone to know how weak I truly felt, how dead I truly felt inside. The worst thing was my betrayal of one of my favorite cousins. In my sick and twisted mind I was getting justice; justice for myself against my rapist, justice for cousin against her ex-husband. The lying just wouldn't stop for me. I lied to everyone, but mostly to myself. I was not okay. I needed help, I needed support, I needed change.
I went through a very dark period. I had surgery which removed part of my fallopian tube, I was arrested and spent three days in jail, I broke my sister's and my best friends' hearts. I was at rock bottom, or so I thought, until I hit the runaway horse. It was a dark night and I was checking to make sure that nothing had happened to my aunt and my cousin on their way home from Wednesday night church when out of no where Mr. Butler (that's what I named the midnight black pony, after Bonnie Butler's pony in "Gone With the Wind")jumped through the window and roof of my car. I knew in that instant that I was dead. I could feel my heart stop beating and I could see the faces of all the people I loved (including my cruddy ex-boyfriend) flash before me. Sound was gone, sight was gone, feeling was gone. Just as quickly, though, everything came back to me. I felt my heart restart and I immediately went in to action, screaming at the top of my lungs for help.
If you could see my dearly departed car, you would know just how lucky I am to be alive. You would know just how lucky Mr. Butler is to be alive too. Luckily for both of us God was with us that night. Neither of us was seriously injured. Mr. Butler had to have stitches and I still can't use my pinky finger or lift my right arm higher than my shoulder, but for what we both got in rturn, I think we both would do it all over again (except maybe I could just see him. I do miss my car, as selfish as that sounds. But I'm only human!). Mr. Butler, who was seriously malnourished and uncared for, recieved a wonderful warm home and a loving new owner (Me!) and I finally truly recieved Jesus Christ into my heart. I finally knew the difference between knowledge and faith. I finally have faith that God did send his only Son to earth in a human body to teach us and to die for our sins so that one day we can walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. ("Did you hear what I said? Walk! Beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven." Couldn't resist throwing a Forrest Gump quote in!) That is the most beautiful thing I have ever realized in my life!
I have always known deep down that I am a good person. I like to do good things. I like to help people, I like to make people happy. I enjoy holding the door for people and giving compliments. I like to be generous with my money (when I have it!). But I have done some truly awful things. I feel so much better knowing that I can tell God all of my sins and, instead me trying to put my past behind me, He can put my past behind Him. (Thanks go to Beth Moore for that one. Praise God that He knows the exact words to give His messengers!)That night I realized "The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 27:1, 27 ironically being my favorite number...) Instead of searching for that relationship with someONE now, I know look forward to improving my relationship with The ONE! This brings me joy and comfort. Even though I still have dark moments in my days (who doesn't?), now whenever I feel that way I simply think to myself, "Dear God, help me through this". And He does. He really does.