Jimmy Page is thought of by many people to be a devil. After all, he studied the "dark arts" with Aleister Crowley, who was a "master dark magician". That just seems a little hard for me to believe. After all, what's to really fear? No one, not even Satan, is more powerful than God. Right? RIGHT?
I've been thinking about this because there is a lot of stuff, like Led Zeppelin, that I think is high quality but a lot of Christians think is trash or they think it's scary or has something to do with Satan. We can't both be right and I am convinced that I have every right to listen to a nice round of Led Zeppelin whenever I feel an urge. After all, didn't Psalm 100:1 tell us to "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands"? And heaven knows I make a joyful noise when it is a beautiful sunshiney day and I blast my Zeppelin, singing "Tangerine" at the top of my lungs. Therefore I see absolutely nothing wrong with such music. Obviously the musicians were gifted with talent from the Lord.
Everybody kept talking about the "deceiver" on Saunday. We walked in late to Sunday school. We were trying to be on to time to church and wound up being about ten minutes early, which is really about twenty minutes too early at a church as small as the one I sometimes go to. First Born has about twenty-five worshippers on a good Sunday. But it feels like family because I was flower girl in the pastor's daughters' double wedding when I was five or six. I can't remember which one, but I was young. At any rate, we walked in late to Sunday school and all I heard was something about a story in the Bible where a man lies to everyone (and he tricks them too) and he tricks everyone to get all the way past St. Peter at the pearly gates and then he sits down at the marriage table supper and Jesus call him out. Basically goes, "Hey you, what you doing here?" because he notices the man is not wearing the marriage garment. And the was the jest of what I got from the story. I finally found the parable in Matthew 22 (and BTW learned that Jesus is to take a bride in Revelation 19:9, spoiler alerts would have been nice!) and I feel a little better now that I know that this marraige table was a parable. I was a little concerned.
The whole point of both Sunday School and the service that day went back to the scripture in Ephesians 6:11, about putting on the full armor of Christ. Ephesians is quickly becoming one of my favorite books of the Bible. It has a look of good quotes in it. Ephesians 5:18 is a great one. So over all, i was really enjoying my Sunday morning worship experience (because we got to sing 'O Happy Day', which my favorite) until the guy who was preaching (sometimes our preacher switches it out with the members of his family, after all, it's basically just a two family church) said something about baby Christians.
I hope you all know what i mean by baby Christians. I am a baby Christian. I don't mean little kids, I mean someone who is newly born in Christ. Someone exactly like me. That's what I mean. I do not take offense to this term. On the contrary, I am proud of it because this means that I do know Jesus Christ. Praise God! 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” Thank you Lord for that! I don't know what I would do without that chance. Brother Mike then went on to say that the only thing that baby Christians need to say is "God is good".
Continuing on with my Sunday, I was deep in contemplation of that thought when we wondered home from church yesterday after noon. Am I wrong to think that being born again should be a shared experience? That others might find the transfer from cocoon to butterfly as fascinating and delightful as I do? I don't think that the only thing a baby Christian should say is "God is good", but I do think it is the thing that all Christians should proclaim the loudest. I think we need to talk about everything that we are experiencing, other wise how will we learn? I was thinking about this when I came across an online sermon from Granger Community Church in Indiana, and I finally found my soulmate church. They opened will Kings of Leon, threw in some Chris Tomlin, played some Coldplay, had a Lego demenstration of King David's reign (complete with South Park-ish voice), and had tabloid headlines everywhere. It was completely too flashy. It was obvious that they were way too cool. It was everything that I would ever ask for in a church. Basically it was a rock concert with a sermon thrown in. But what a sermon! I learned more about King David yesterday than I have ever known in my life! And if God can forgive David for everything that he did and still say that David was a King after His own heart (Acts 13:22), then there is nothing but hope for me! God is good! And I strive more to be like him every day!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Turn and face the strange....
Change is painful.
"Because they have no changes, therefore they fear not God" (Ps.55:19). My life is undergoing some extremely painful changes now because I am discovering the Lord. It's really the silliest little thing that is making my heart ache right now: people I am requesting to be friends with on Facebook are rejecting me. And the truth is, I'm not even sure if they've really rejected me or if my request didn't go through. But in my mind I am convinced that they have rejected me because they knew the person that I used to be, not the person that I am now becoming. Truth be told, this shouldn't make me sad. After all, I probably don't need to be friends with most of the people that were in my life. But there is some part of me, the part that wants to please everyone, that feels like if they could just really get to know the person I am now, the person that I am becoming then they would feel differently. So I have to take a deep calming breath and think to myself, "I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me" (Phillippians 4:13), which means that I can face rejection as well.
I went in to my pit all three ways that it is possible: I was pushed in, I slipped in, and I jumped in head first without looking. (Thanks again Beth Moore! Praise God that he gives you the words He does!) But I am climbing out and I feel my fingers scratching at the firm rock on which God wants me to place my life: His Word. I feel a passion for Christ and everything about living my life for Him now that I could have never previously felt. I feel Him pressing on my heart, my every thought, my every breath, and I just want to reach out to Him and have the best relationship possible. I wish everyone could feel this way. I wish I had felt this way earlier in life, but that was not the path He intended for me. I needed to see and be what my absolute worst was before He could let me see and be what my absolute best is.
This change in my life is still so new to me. I have claimed to know Christ before in my life, but really it is just now that I am learning all that He is and all that having Him in my life means. Psalms 51:10 states, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me." And that is what I truly want in my life. Not to have a thousand fake Facebook "friends", but to have one absolutely true and steadfast friend in God. He is the only one I need and although it is a huge change for me to feel that way, my burning passion assures me that I do.
"Because they have no changes, therefore they fear not God" (Ps.55:19). My life is undergoing some extremely painful changes now because I am discovering the Lord. It's really the silliest little thing that is making my heart ache right now: people I am requesting to be friends with on Facebook are rejecting me. And the truth is, I'm not even sure if they've really rejected me or if my request didn't go through. But in my mind I am convinced that they have rejected me because they knew the person that I used to be, not the person that I am now becoming. Truth be told, this shouldn't make me sad. After all, I probably don't need to be friends with most of the people that were in my life. But there is some part of me, the part that wants to please everyone, that feels like if they could just really get to know the person I am now, the person that I am becoming then they would feel differently. So I have to take a deep calming breath and think to myself, "I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me" (Phillippians 4:13), which means that I can face rejection as well.
I went in to my pit all three ways that it is possible: I was pushed in, I slipped in, and I jumped in head first without looking. (Thanks again Beth Moore! Praise God that he gives you the words He does!) But I am climbing out and I feel my fingers scratching at the firm rock on which God wants me to place my life: His Word. I feel a passion for Christ and everything about living my life for Him now that I could have never previously felt. I feel Him pressing on my heart, my every thought, my every breath, and I just want to reach out to Him and have the best relationship possible. I wish everyone could feel this way. I wish I had felt this way earlier in life, but that was not the path He intended for me. I needed to see and be what my absolute worst was before He could let me see and be what my absolute best is.
This change in my life is still so new to me. I have claimed to know Christ before in my life, but really it is just now that I am learning all that He is and all that having Him in my life means. Psalms 51:10 states, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me." And that is what I truly want in my life. Not to have a thousand fake Facebook "friends", but to have one absolutely true and steadfast friend in God. He is the only one I need and although it is a huge change for me to feel that way, my burning passion assures me that I do.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
It's a song by The Arcade Fire. I've had the note in my Bible forever. I don't know why I put it there, I'm not exactly sure when I put it there, but it's written in the very front of my Bible. Maybe it's because I knew I was lying. To myself, to others.
I just received an email from a former friend of mine and I had to pray and pray very hard. What she said, the things she wrote, were all truths. I know that more than anyone, except God. And I have told Him all about them, although I know that he already knew. But one thing she said keeps ringing in my head: Have some respect for yourself. I simply couldn't. I am still having trouble with it. I keep condemning myself. I have been listening to this series by Joyce Meyers about the mouth, about the things that we say. In it Meyers talks about condemnation. And I am condemning myself. It's devil's work on me. I couldn't help myself. After reading the email, I had to get down on my knees and pray. And I don't really do that. But I felt as though I needed to. I needed God in that moment. I need God in every moment, but no more so than I did then.
I was hurt and also a little angry. How quick are we to forget? How quick are we to judge? "Judge not, least ye be judged."
It was combination of things that led me to this pit, but I want out. I have been working on getting myself out. I felt myself slipping at that moment and I did not want to be back down in that pit. "This too shall pass."
Prayer is all I have at the moment. I think I'll stick with it.
It's a song by The Arcade Fire. I've had the note in my Bible forever. I don't know why I put it there, I'm not exactly sure when I put it there, but it's written in the very front of my Bible. Maybe it's because I knew I was lying. To myself, to others.
I just received an email from a former friend of mine and I had to pray and pray very hard. What she said, the things she wrote, were all truths. I know that more than anyone, except God. And I have told Him all about them, although I know that he already knew. But one thing she said keeps ringing in my head: Have some respect for yourself. I simply couldn't. I am still having trouble with it. I keep condemning myself. I have been listening to this series by Joyce Meyers about the mouth, about the things that we say. In it Meyers talks about condemnation. And I am condemning myself. It's devil's work on me. I couldn't help myself. After reading the email, I had to get down on my knees and pray. And I don't really do that. But I felt as though I needed to. I needed God in that moment. I need God in every moment, but no more so than I did then.
I was hurt and also a little angry. How quick are we to forget? How quick are we to judge? "Judge not, least ye be judged."
It was combination of things that led me to this pit, but I want out. I have been working on getting myself out. I felt myself slipping at that moment and I did not want to be back down in that pit. "This too shall pass."
Prayer is all I have at the moment. I think I'll stick with it.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Start a Revolution....
I have been reading Revelation. I don't know why I started there, I guess God just placed it upon my heart to do so. I think I wanted to read more about these "end times" that I hear so much about. I wanted to know more about this impending Apocalypse. Right now I am on Chapter nine. So I know the colors of the four horses: white, red, yellow, pale. I know what happens when each seal opens. I know that Jesus is the Alpha and the Omega. But like a great mystery, I don't know what happens at the end. Except I do. It's a story I've heard before.
One of my favorite books is Left Behind. I enjoyed the book before I ever begin seriously persuing a relationship with the Lord. I've never seen the movie, but I imagine Kirk Cameron did a bang up job as Buck. I just love how all of the main characters wind up rallying together and I think the authors did a bang up job with Nicolae Carpathia and the whole Isreal thing, what with the professor who developed the seed that will grow in sand and all that the book entails. I have probably read the book at least twenty times. But I have never read any of the rest of the series. Why? I think it's because I was afraid of what I would find out.
I know that Left Behind is a work of fiction, but I feel like it has prepared me to read the non-fiction version, Revelation. What a trip! Revelation is both horrific and beautiful. It's terrifying to think that so many people will have to go through the Tribulation, but how awesome is it to think about being part of the Rapture? After all Philippians 3:21 promises us "Who shall change our vile body, that it may be fashioned like unto his glorious body, according to the working whereby he is able even to subdue all things unto himself."
So many people today are convinced that end is coming: 12/21/12, the end of the Mayan calender. But what if the Mayans just ran out of stone to carve their calender on? After all, weren't we all convinced that Y2K was the second coming? God will take his time. you can't rush Him. After all, this is all His: His to destroy and create as we see fit. I feel no need to live in fear now. I have never feared death, but I am especially comfortable with the thought now because I am confident that I will be with my Maker. I have cried out to Him. I have confessed my sins. I have consented to let Him do His work in my life. I feel as though I have nothing but joy to look forward to.
So what is this revolution I am talking about? I have, like I have said before, always strived to be rebellious. I like to do what is uncool. And it is very uncool to be openly vocal about loving the Lord, which makes it extremely cool to me. Especially since I am a Democrat. I like Democrats, I just also like the death penalty and don't believe in abortion. Why is it that religion and politics are the two most taboo subjects in our culture and yet our country was founded on a belief of freedom in both? We should proclaim our beliefs out loud! People look at you weird if you pray before you eat when you're out at a restaurant. Let them, I say. Let them look at me weird.
I'm revolutionary that way and proud of it!
One of my favorite books is Left Behind. I enjoyed the book before I ever begin seriously persuing a relationship with the Lord. I've never seen the movie, but I imagine Kirk Cameron did a bang up job as Buck. I just love how all of the main characters wind up rallying together and I think the authors did a bang up job with Nicolae Carpathia and the whole Isreal thing, what with the professor who developed the seed that will grow in sand and all that the book entails. I have probably read the book at least twenty times. But I have never read any of the rest of the series. Why? I think it's because I was afraid of what I would find out.
I know that Left Behind is a work of fiction, but I feel like it has prepared me to read the non-fiction version, Revelation. What a trip! Revelation is both horrific and beautiful. It's terrifying to think that so many people will have to go through the Tribulation, but how awesome is it to think about being part of the Rapture? After all Philippians 3:21 promises us "Who shall change our vile body, that it may be fashioned like unto his glorious body, according to the working whereby he is able even to subdue all things unto himself."
So many people today are convinced that end is coming: 12/21/12, the end of the Mayan calender. But what if the Mayans just ran out of stone to carve their calender on? After all, weren't we all convinced that Y2K was the second coming? God will take his time. you can't rush Him. After all, this is all His: His to destroy and create as we see fit. I feel no need to live in fear now. I have never feared death, but I am especially comfortable with the thought now because I am confident that I will be with my Maker. I have cried out to Him. I have confessed my sins. I have consented to let Him do His work in my life. I feel as though I have nothing but joy to look forward to.
So what is this revolution I am talking about? I have, like I have said before, always strived to be rebellious. I like to do what is uncool. And it is very uncool to be openly vocal about loving the Lord, which makes it extremely cool to me. Especially since I am a Democrat. I like Democrats, I just also like the death penalty and don't believe in abortion. Why is it that religion and politics are the two most taboo subjects in our culture and yet our country was founded on a belief of freedom in both? We should proclaim our beliefs out loud! People look at you weird if you pray before you eat when you're out at a restaurant. Let them, I say. Let them look at me weird.
I'm revolutionary that way and proud of it!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost....
I adore Coldplay. They are by and far one of my absolute favorite bands to come out since the death of Kurt Cobain. I think Chris Martin is Shakespeare for the 21st century. Pick any song: "Violet Hill", "Talk" Yellow", "Warning Sign", "'Til Kingdom Come". It's just beauty, waiting for you to take it in. Having said this, my newest musical fixation is the song "Lost" from the album "Viva la Vida, or Death and All His Friends". The words are simply amazing. A sample:
Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross
Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse
I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...
Those are some of the most inspirational words I've ever let my ears hear in my life. Think about that. "Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost". Praise God for that! Matthew 18:11 tells us "For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost." Even those who have Christ in their life will sometimes feel like they are losing. One of my best friends from high school has a favorite saying, "Born to lose but out to win". While I may not necessarily agree with the way he states it (I personally think it should be "Born to win, thought I was losing, but I'm going to win", but that's not as catchy.), I completely agree with his sentiment. And if anyone knows about feeling lost, it's him. He's been through his ups and downs in life (like us all!) but he's gaining his path back now. He told me just today that he wants to go back to school to major in psychology and go in to addiction counseling. He definitely has enough experience and he's smarter than a whip. And I think he was make a great counselor. God knows he's had enough practice, being my friend in high school!
In high school I had two very close friends, the guy I have been talking about and my constant companion and fellow colorguard member, J. We were pretty much inseperable for the greater part of my high school career and into my freshman year at college, until a silly little tift broke us apart. What it really was was distance, I realize in hindsight. They were both Seniors in high school and I was at UGA in Athens. But my love for those two has not waned through the years. We have been apart for ten years now, but I talk to them online and it feels as though there is no distance between us. We've all changed, we've all gone through our own journey to become the people that we have become, but there is a core of us that is still devoted to one another and I feel such joy just knowing that. I had a moment with the Lord the other day after realizing this. I was talking to J via IM and we had to end the conversation for one reason or another. I went outside to smoke my cigarette (yes, I am still smoking. I'm praying for the strength to quit, but it hasn't come so far. I know it will one day, but until then Marlboro Ultra Lights and I are as close as can be.) and I just had to praise God for my beautiful, funny, successful friend. She is absolutely amazing and I can't wait to get to meet her husband and stepdaughters and begin again with each other.
My point is: I feel like I'm losing sometimes. Often times, as a matter of fact. I mean, I'm twenty-eight (almost twenty-nine, February 16). I've never been married, I don't have any children, I don't own a home, I don't even own a car anymore. (Mr. Butler! *shakes fist teasingly*) So it's sometimes very easy for me to overlook what success I have had. I graduated from college with a BA, I've travelled to several exotic locales, I've written an entire novel! But my biggest success of all is accepting Jesus in to my life. It's a victory I will strive to achieve each and every day. Each morning now I make it a point to get up and put on the full armor of God.
Oh, I'm still a rebellious little thing. I think you have all kinds of Christians in the world. You have your fire and brimstone Christians, your Backrow Gossipers, your Sweet People, and then you have your Punks. That's me. I am the one you're going to find hanging out with the skateboarders, the musicians, the bikers at the church. But does it matter what you classify yourself as, as long as you have Christ in your heart and live in a Christ-like way? I think not, but I'm still new to all this. But doesn't Matthew 7 tell us "Judge not, least ye be judged?" And that's all I care about, what the Lord tells me. I've always been a live and let live person. I guess you could call me a "Live and let live Christian". I think that my only job is to set a good example of a Christian and to lead others to Christ in that manner.
I am not the Shepherd. That is my Lord. Most people are familiar with the Psalm, Pslam 23:1 "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want". And I completely trust that he will guide me.How could I possibly feel lost with that in mind? "The Lord is my Shepherd". It can seem frustrating that I don't know the entire path that God has set before me when I think about it. Not knowing what is going to happen next year, next month, next week, even the next hour. But I just have to place my trust in God. And I really hate not having control over situations. I'm stubborn that way. It's part of what has kept me from Him for so long. I was never able to step aside, put my own ego aside, and let him guide me. Like one of those "God is my co-pilot" bumper stickers. (By the way, those are wrong too. God is MY pilot!) Now that I have decided to let the Lord take the lead, I don't feel lost anymore. I feel like I'm on a great adventure! "Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost". It's so true. I'm never lost because I am with God!
Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross
Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse
I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...
Those are some of the most inspirational words I've ever let my ears hear in my life. Think about that. "Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost". Praise God for that! Matthew 18:11 tells us "For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost." Even those who have Christ in their life will sometimes feel like they are losing. One of my best friends from high school has a favorite saying, "Born to lose but out to win". While I may not necessarily agree with the way he states it (I personally think it should be "Born to win, thought I was losing, but I'm going to win", but that's not as catchy.), I completely agree with his sentiment. And if anyone knows about feeling lost, it's him. He's been through his ups and downs in life (like us all!) but he's gaining his path back now. He told me just today that he wants to go back to school to major in psychology and go in to addiction counseling. He definitely has enough experience and he's smarter than a whip. And I think he was make a great counselor. God knows he's had enough practice, being my friend in high school!
In high school I had two very close friends, the guy I have been talking about and my constant companion and fellow colorguard member, J. We were pretty much inseperable for the greater part of my high school career and into my freshman year at college, until a silly little tift broke us apart. What it really was was distance, I realize in hindsight. They were both Seniors in high school and I was at UGA in Athens. But my love for those two has not waned through the years. We have been apart for ten years now, but I talk to them online and it feels as though there is no distance between us. We've all changed, we've all gone through our own journey to become the people that we have become, but there is a core of us that is still devoted to one another and I feel such joy just knowing that. I had a moment with the Lord the other day after realizing this. I was talking to J via IM and we had to end the conversation for one reason or another. I went outside to smoke my cigarette (yes, I am still smoking. I'm praying for the strength to quit, but it hasn't come so far. I know it will one day, but until then Marlboro Ultra Lights and I are as close as can be.) and I just had to praise God for my beautiful, funny, successful friend. She is absolutely amazing and I can't wait to get to meet her husband and stepdaughters and begin again with each other.
My point is: I feel like I'm losing sometimes. Often times, as a matter of fact. I mean, I'm twenty-eight (almost twenty-nine, February 16). I've never been married, I don't have any children, I don't own a home, I don't even own a car anymore. (Mr. Butler! *shakes fist teasingly*) So it's sometimes very easy for me to overlook what success I have had. I graduated from college with a BA, I've travelled to several exotic locales, I've written an entire novel! But my biggest success of all is accepting Jesus in to my life. It's a victory I will strive to achieve each and every day. Each morning now I make it a point to get up and put on the full armor of God.
Oh, I'm still a rebellious little thing. I think you have all kinds of Christians in the world. You have your fire and brimstone Christians, your Backrow Gossipers, your Sweet People, and then you have your Punks. That's me. I am the one you're going to find hanging out with the skateboarders, the musicians, the bikers at the church. But does it matter what you classify yourself as, as long as you have Christ in your heart and live in a Christ-like way? I think not, but I'm still new to all this. But doesn't Matthew 7 tell us "Judge not, least ye be judged?" And that's all I care about, what the Lord tells me. I've always been a live and let live person. I guess you could call me a "Live and let live Christian". I think that my only job is to set a good example of a Christian and to lead others to Christ in that manner.
I am not the Shepherd. That is my Lord. Most people are familiar with the Psalm, Pslam 23:1 "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want". And I completely trust that he will guide me.How could I possibly feel lost with that in mind? "The Lord is my Shepherd". It can seem frustrating that I don't know the entire path that God has set before me when I think about it. Not knowing what is going to happen next year, next month, next week, even the next hour. But I just have to place my trust in God. And I really hate not having control over situations. I'm stubborn that way. It's part of what has kept me from Him for so long. I was never able to step aside, put my own ego aside, and let him guide me. Like one of those "God is my co-pilot" bumper stickers. (By the way, those are wrong too. God is MY pilot!) Now that I have decided to let the Lord take the lead, I don't feel lost anymore. I feel like I'm on a great adventure! "Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost". It's so true. I'm never lost because I am with God!
Monday, January 11, 2010
In the beginning.....
Last night I simply could not sleep. It was just one thing after another plaguing my sleep. And that was upsetting because I love to sleep. I sleep to dream. "To sleep, perchance to dream" as Hamlet says. Ecclesiastes 5:12 states "The sleep of the working man is pleasant, whether he eats little or much; but the full stomach of the rich man does not allow him to sleep." I am by no means a rich (wo)man in the typical sense in of the word, but I am rich in the fact that I am growing in my relationship with God.
Like any good Southern girl living in the Bible Belt of America, I grew up going to church. It was not my parents that took me, however, it was my aunt. My mom was more likely sleeping in and my dad out hunting, whether it be hunting for deer or hunting for deals at a flea market. So I grew up as what I like to call a "dabbler". I think I have been to as many diffent kind of churches as possible: Pentecosal, Pentecostal Holiness, Holiness, Baptist, Catholic, Episcopalian, just plain Christian. Always trying to find my place, I never quite felt like I did find it. Sometimes I wasn't trying hard enough, some times I was trying too hard. And then there was my education to deal with. When I took Humanities, I wanted to know as much as possible about the other religions of the world. Other religions that had so many believers of a different sort. How could Buddhism, Hinduism, Muslim, Judaism, Toaism, and all the others be wrong? And then there was my ever-present struggle with Jesus Christ, the man and the myth.
My relationship with Jesus has always been.....troubled, I guess would be the easiest way to put it. God I have never been unsure of. How can you look around you and not believe in God? The trees, the birds, the grass, the sun, everything sings of his exsistence. But Jesus? Where's the proof? That's all I have ever been able to ask myself. WHERE'S THE PROOF? Try as I might to justify any thoughts I could have about Jesus, in the back of my mind I was always screaming "Where's the proof?" Until I discovered that it wasn't about proof, it's about faith.
Having faith in something means that you don't need proof. It's about trust. And that's something that I have always neglected to know the importance of. I always used to say that my two biggest attributes to look for in a person were honesty and loyalty. Maybe that was because I recognized that honesty was the one attribute I needed to work on. I have struggled with honesty, sometimes being honest to a fault, sometimes lying my tuckas off. I am, however, am extremely loyal. I would lay down my life for someone that I truly loved. In fact, it's this attribute that has gotten me into such serious trouble. If I am willing to give someone my all, then I expect to get their all in return. But what I failed to recognize is that sometimes it is just too much to ask that of someone. After all, all the people that I know are merely human. What I have failed to realize is that I have been searching for the relationship that I should have been seeking with God, my Creator, with some one who is earthly, merely a creation.
My struggle began very early in life, with the loss of my father and then my mother. How could a just and fair God take them away from me when I needed them so much? And then I felt alone, lost, with out guidance, as the people my mother had entrusted me with took advantage of my young age and took everything that my parents had left me. Still, I tried to do what my parents had wanted me to achieve. I went to college, where I majored in theatre, which is really nothing more than the art of lying. People were always praising me, telling me how strong I was for going through such tragic circumstances and still keeping on. What choice did I have? I couldn't bury myself in the ground with my parents. I had to keep on living. But the truth of the matter was I was just as dead as they were, I just didn't know it yet.
It wasn't until I was raped that God truly began His work on me. I was so angry at the guy who raped me that I didn't know what to do. I was scared and I had never felt as alone as I did in that moment. Then I found out that I was preganant as a result of the rape. As odd as it may seem, I didn't feel alone anymore. I felt as though I was waking up after a long sleep. Suddenly I had something to live for! My child, my dream of all dreams, despite how she was concieved. She was my one precious ray of light in the darkness that had become my life. I had already picked out her name, Genesis Dawn, "beginning new". I was planning on raising her with my gay best friend and I was very excited. Until I had the miscarriage, followed very closely by the dismissal of my charges against my rapist. It felt as though God had betrayed me once again. And the very worst parts of me came unglued and unleashed. I began lying about everything, trying make everyone think that I was much better off than I really was. I was ashamed of myself. I didn't want anyone to know how weak I truly felt, how dead I truly felt inside. The worst thing was my betrayal of one of my favorite cousins. In my sick and twisted mind I was getting justice; justice for myself against my rapist, justice for cousin against her ex-husband. The lying just wouldn't stop for me. I lied to everyone, but mostly to myself. I was not okay. I needed help, I needed support, I needed change.
I went through a very dark period. I had surgery which removed part of my fallopian tube, I was arrested and spent three days in jail, I broke my sister's and my best friends' hearts. I was at rock bottom, or so I thought, until I hit the runaway horse. It was a dark night and I was checking to make sure that nothing had happened to my aunt and my cousin on their way home from Wednesday night church when out of no where Mr. Butler (that's what I named the midnight black pony, after Bonnie Butler's pony in "Gone With the Wind")jumped through the window and roof of my car. I knew in that instant that I was dead. I could feel my heart stop beating and I could see the faces of all the people I loved (including my cruddy ex-boyfriend) flash before me. Sound was gone, sight was gone, feeling was gone. Just as quickly, though, everything came back to me. I felt my heart restart and I immediately went in to action, screaming at the top of my lungs for help.
If you could see my dearly departed car, you would know just how lucky I am to be alive. You would know just how lucky Mr. Butler is to be alive too. Luckily for both of us God was with us that night. Neither of us was seriously injured. Mr. Butler had to have stitches and I still can't use my pinky finger or lift my right arm higher than my shoulder, but for what we both got in rturn, I think we both would do it all over again (except maybe I could just see him. I do miss my car, as selfish as that sounds. But I'm only human!). Mr. Butler, who was seriously malnourished and uncared for, recieved a wonderful warm home and a loving new owner (Me!) and I finally truly recieved Jesus Christ into my heart. I finally knew the difference between knowledge and faith. I finally have faith that God did send his only Son to earth in a human body to teach us and to die for our sins so that one day we can walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. ("Did you hear what I said? Walk! Beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven." Couldn't resist throwing a Forrest Gump quote in!) That is the most beautiful thing I have ever realized in my life!
I have always known deep down that I am a good person. I like to do good things. I like to help people, I like to make people happy. I enjoy holding the door for people and giving compliments. I like to be generous with my money (when I have it!). But I have done some truly awful things. I feel so much better knowing that I can tell God all of my sins and, instead me trying to put my past behind me, He can put my past behind Him. (Thanks go to Beth Moore for that one. Praise God that He knows the exact words to give His messengers!)That night I realized "The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 27:1, 27 ironically being my favorite number...) Instead of searching for that relationship with someONE now, I know look forward to improving my relationship with The ONE! This brings me joy and comfort. Even though I still have dark moments in my days (who doesn't?), now whenever I feel that way I simply think to myself, "Dear God, help me through this". And He does. He really does.
Like any good Southern girl living in the Bible Belt of America, I grew up going to church. It was not my parents that took me, however, it was my aunt. My mom was more likely sleeping in and my dad out hunting, whether it be hunting for deer or hunting for deals at a flea market. So I grew up as what I like to call a "dabbler". I think I have been to as many diffent kind of churches as possible: Pentecosal, Pentecostal Holiness, Holiness, Baptist, Catholic, Episcopalian, just plain Christian. Always trying to find my place, I never quite felt like I did find it. Sometimes I wasn't trying hard enough, some times I was trying too hard. And then there was my education to deal with. When I took Humanities, I wanted to know as much as possible about the other religions of the world. Other religions that had so many believers of a different sort. How could Buddhism, Hinduism, Muslim, Judaism, Toaism, and all the others be wrong? And then there was my ever-present struggle with Jesus Christ, the man and the myth.
My relationship with Jesus has always been.....troubled, I guess would be the easiest way to put it. God I have never been unsure of. How can you look around you and not believe in God? The trees, the birds, the grass, the sun, everything sings of his exsistence. But Jesus? Where's the proof? That's all I have ever been able to ask myself. WHERE'S THE PROOF? Try as I might to justify any thoughts I could have about Jesus, in the back of my mind I was always screaming "Where's the proof?" Until I discovered that it wasn't about proof, it's about faith.
Having faith in something means that you don't need proof. It's about trust. And that's something that I have always neglected to know the importance of. I always used to say that my two biggest attributes to look for in a person were honesty and loyalty. Maybe that was because I recognized that honesty was the one attribute I needed to work on. I have struggled with honesty, sometimes being honest to a fault, sometimes lying my tuckas off. I am, however, am extremely loyal. I would lay down my life for someone that I truly loved. In fact, it's this attribute that has gotten me into such serious trouble. If I am willing to give someone my all, then I expect to get their all in return. But what I failed to recognize is that sometimes it is just too much to ask that of someone. After all, all the people that I know are merely human. What I have failed to realize is that I have been searching for the relationship that I should have been seeking with God, my Creator, with some one who is earthly, merely a creation.
My struggle began very early in life, with the loss of my father and then my mother. How could a just and fair God take them away from me when I needed them so much? And then I felt alone, lost, with out guidance, as the people my mother had entrusted me with took advantage of my young age and took everything that my parents had left me. Still, I tried to do what my parents had wanted me to achieve. I went to college, where I majored in theatre, which is really nothing more than the art of lying. People were always praising me, telling me how strong I was for going through such tragic circumstances and still keeping on. What choice did I have? I couldn't bury myself in the ground with my parents. I had to keep on living. But the truth of the matter was I was just as dead as they were, I just didn't know it yet.
It wasn't until I was raped that God truly began His work on me. I was so angry at the guy who raped me that I didn't know what to do. I was scared and I had never felt as alone as I did in that moment. Then I found out that I was preganant as a result of the rape. As odd as it may seem, I didn't feel alone anymore. I felt as though I was waking up after a long sleep. Suddenly I had something to live for! My child, my dream of all dreams, despite how she was concieved. She was my one precious ray of light in the darkness that had become my life. I had already picked out her name, Genesis Dawn, "beginning new". I was planning on raising her with my gay best friend and I was very excited. Until I had the miscarriage, followed very closely by the dismissal of my charges against my rapist. It felt as though God had betrayed me once again. And the very worst parts of me came unglued and unleashed. I began lying about everything, trying make everyone think that I was much better off than I really was. I was ashamed of myself. I didn't want anyone to know how weak I truly felt, how dead I truly felt inside. The worst thing was my betrayal of one of my favorite cousins. In my sick and twisted mind I was getting justice; justice for myself against my rapist, justice for cousin against her ex-husband. The lying just wouldn't stop for me. I lied to everyone, but mostly to myself. I was not okay. I needed help, I needed support, I needed change.
I went through a very dark period. I had surgery which removed part of my fallopian tube, I was arrested and spent three days in jail, I broke my sister's and my best friends' hearts. I was at rock bottom, or so I thought, until I hit the runaway horse. It was a dark night and I was checking to make sure that nothing had happened to my aunt and my cousin on their way home from Wednesday night church when out of no where Mr. Butler (that's what I named the midnight black pony, after Bonnie Butler's pony in "Gone With the Wind")jumped through the window and roof of my car. I knew in that instant that I was dead. I could feel my heart stop beating and I could see the faces of all the people I loved (including my cruddy ex-boyfriend) flash before me. Sound was gone, sight was gone, feeling was gone. Just as quickly, though, everything came back to me. I felt my heart restart and I immediately went in to action, screaming at the top of my lungs for help.
If you could see my dearly departed car, you would know just how lucky I am to be alive. You would know just how lucky Mr. Butler is to be alive too. Luckily for both of us God was with us that night. Neither of us was seriously injured. Mr. Butler had to have stitches and I still can't use my pinky finger or lift my right arm higher than my shoulder, but for what we both got in rturn, I think we both would do it all over again (except maybe I could just see him. I do miss my car, as selfish as that sounds. But I'm only human!). Mr. Butler, who was seriously malnourished and uncared for, recieved a wonderful warm home and a loving new owner (Me!) and I finally truly recieved Jesus Christ into my heart. I finally knew the difference between knowledge and faith. I finally have faith that God did send his only Son to earth in a human body to teach us and to die for our sins so that one day we can walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. ("Did you hear what I said? Walk! Beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven." Couldn't resist throwing a Forrest Gump quote in!) That is the most beautiful thing I have ever realized in my life!
I have always known deep down that I am a good person. I like to do good things. I like to help people, I like to make people happy. I enjoy holding the door for people and giving compliments. I like to be generous with my money (when I have it!). But I have done some truly awful things. I feel so much better knowing that I can tell God all of my sins and, instead me trying to put my past behind me, He can put my past behind Him. (Thanks go to Beth Moore for that one. Praise God that He knows the exact words to give His messengers!)That night I realized "The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 27:1, 27 ironically being my favorite number...) Instead of searching for that relationship with someONE now, I know look forward to improving my relationship with The ONE! This brings me joy and comfort. Even though I still have dark moments in my days (who doesn't?), now whenever I feel that way I simply think to myself, "Dear God, help me through this". And He does. He really does.
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